1 post tagged “relationship dealbreakers”

A little off topic, but I'll go with my favorite fake apology:

Example: "I'm sorry I hurt you."

It's really  an accusation cleverly disguised as an apology.

Almost inevitably, this sort of "apology" is followed by an explanation of how the action in question really wasn't intended to cause any harm, so the offender really isn't an offender at all. It's all in the mind of the person who THINKS they have been offended!

How is this an accusation? Well, the "apologizer" has no remorse for the action itself in this case. Their sorrow stems from the fact that the offended party has yet again "MISINTERPRETED" a set of actions. Supposedly, the problem lies with the offended one. THEY (the offended) have misinterpreted. THEIR (again the offended) feelings have been hurt, when there really was no reason for them to be. It's all one big misunderstanding.

Contrast this set of circumstances with a true apology: "I'm sorry. I screwed up. The fault lies with me."

However, most of us, myself included, find it a bit more comfortable to discreetly shift the blame from ourselves, and in the case of "I'm sorry I hurt you", the implication is that the blame really lies with the person who is offended. The supposed "offense" never should have taken place, because it was never intended. Who's fault is this? The person being apologized to. It's really a nifty little trick.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." Ok. Maybe, they're really sorry they "hurt" you, but there's no mention of being sorry for any action. The behavior that caused harm is likely to occurr over and over again, because remember, they weren't sorry for the behavior. They were sorry that YOU (the offended one) had a few hurt feelings.

The neat thing is, we're all left with this disfunctionally tidy satisfaction. The offender sheds the burden of responsibility for their action (onto the shoulders of the offended one), and the offended one gets their apology.